Hospita house etiquette: unwritten rules you need to know

A hospita house is not an apartment with housemates. It is someone's home, and you are a guest staying for a longer period. (A hospita is the Dutch term for a homeowner who rents a room in their own house.) That may sound dramatic, but understanding it determines whether you have a good time or whether after three months you end up in an atmosphere of passive-aggressive post-it notes on the fridge. Most hospita houses do not work on written contracts and hard rules, but on a handful of unwritten expectations everyone knows, except you, because you just walked in.

In this article we lay out the most important unwritten rules. Not as a warning, but as a guide. If you understand them from day one, you stand out in a really good way: as someone who gets it.

Why is a hospita house different from a regular house?

The core difference is ownership, not legally but emotionally. In a shared student house with four equal housemates, the house belongs to everyone together. No one has more rights to the couch than the others. In a hospita house this is not so. The hospita has lived there for years, bought the couch herself, grew the plants, got to know the neighbour. You arrive with a backpack and a few books.

That does not mean you are a second-class resident. But it does mean the tone was set before you arrived. The vibe of the house, the house rules (written and unwritten), the rhythm, all of that is hers. You fit in, not the other way around.

The hospitas we speak with on Huismaatje often put it this way: "I want someone who understands that this is my house and who feels comfortable in that without me having to explain everything I mean all the time." If you understand that, the rest is largely common sense.

How do you handle shared spaces?

The kitchen, the bathroom, and (often) the living room are shared. This is by far where most irritations between hospita and tenant arise.

The kitchen. Clean up after yourself. Not "I will do it later" with the later never coming. Not "I will leave the pan on the stove until my pasta is ready and do it tomorrow". Right after cooking: rinse the pan, wipe the cutting board, clean the drips. The norm is that the kitchen looks the same after you as before. A dishwasher is a blessing, a counter full of coffee cups is a red flag.

The fridge. Ask before you take a shelf. Some hospitas have strict habits (top shelf dairy, middle shelf vegetables, bottom shelf meat) and you are suddenly squeezed in between. Throw out old leftovers before they start to smell. Do not eat from her food, not even "a handful" of rocket.

The bathroom. Clean the bath mat after every shower, or hang it up to dry. Hair out of the drain. No ten bottles on the edge of the bath. Your own toiletries in your own room or in a section that belongs to you. Do not leave a razor lying around.

The living room. Ask at the start whether this is shared space or mostly the hospita's domain. Some hospitas are happy to have you on the couch every evening, others experience it as invasion. Match expectations. And if you are sitting there: not permanently. Do not watch four hours of Netflix on her couch when you have your own room.

How does it work with guests and visitors?

This is the etiquette category that goes wrong most often. Bringing guests feels normal social behaviour to you. To the hospita, it can mean a stranger is suddenly on her couch when she comes home from work in her sweatpants.

Ask, do not announce. The difference is big. "I want to bring my partner over Friday evening, is that okay?" is a question. "By the way, my partner is coming over on Friday" is an announcement. Ask.

A guest who stays the night is a separate category. Many hospitas are fine with the occasional partner or friend staying over, as long as it is announced. But every weekend the same person sleeping over is seen by most hospitas as a second uninvited resident, and that is a problem. Ask at move-in how she feels about this. Is your partner with you every week? Be honest about it.

Drinks and parties. Almost always you ask explicitly, even if it is only three friends. And keep it within reasonable hours (not until three in the morning) and reasonable numbers (not suddenly fifteen people). Preferably in your own room, not the living room, unless agreed otherwise.

This is her home. That is the guideline. You do not invite a friend over for an unannounced Sunday breakfast, because it is her Sunday, her kitchen, her table.

What are the rules around sleeping, noise, and being away?

Nights away. You do not need to keep a logbook, but if you are not coming home for a few nights it is polite to mention it. "I am at my parents' this weekend, back Sunday evening." Not out of obligation, but as a habit. It makes the house more predictable for your hospita and prevents her from worrying that you are in trouble.

Noise in the evening. After eleven at night, everywhere: voices down, music off, no more vacuuming. The hospita often sleeps behind a thin wall. Phone calls in your room are fine, but in whisper mode. Remember that old Amsterdam buildings are often noisy, you can be heard more than you think.

Early rising. Going to the gym every morning at 6? Tell her. Then your hospita knows that the shower-on-at-6:15 is your training schedule and not a burglar. Hiding it is not more relaxed, it is mysterious.

Key protocol. Ask at move-in whether you can let someone in with your key when the hospita is not there. Some hospitas are fine with your friend dropping off bread. Others want only her or you to come into the house. Match expectations. And if you yourself lose your key: call right away, say so, offer to pay the locksmith. Do not sneak around as if nothing happened.

How do you contribute to the household without overdoing it?

Hospitas do not select tenants on whether they organise a dinner every week, but on whether they are pleasant to share life with. A few small gestures make a world of difference.

Offer to cook once. Not every week, that becomes an obligation. But occasionally on a Sunday evening saying "I am making pasta tonight, want to join?" makes you someone who lives in the house, not just sleeps somewhere.

Water the plants when she is away. Hospita on holiday for three days? Ask before she goes: "Shall I water the plants?" Small gesture, huge impact.

Offer to do groceries. Walking past the supermarket anyway? "Do you need anything?" takes three seconds to say.

Birthday card or small gift. On her birthday, Christmas, or after a tough week. No expensive gift, a bunch of flowers, a card, something home-baked. It is the gesture that counts.

Not over the top. If you start every day with "can I do something for you?" it starts to feel sycophantic. Just be a pleasant person, not a performing servant.

These are all things we discuss in our tips for the first 3 months as a hospita tenant.

How do you ask for adjustments to your room?

You move into a furnished or partially furnished room and you want to change something. Hang a painting, your own lampshade, a shelf on the wall. How do you handle that?

Ask before you do anything. No screw in a wall without permission. No paint splatters on a floor. No bracket in a wooden frame. The room is furnished as it is, and even small adjustments may seem trivial to you but be a thing to the hospita. Ask.

Start with the least invasive. A poster with museum tape: fine, no need to ask. Drilling a hole for a wall shelf: ask. Hanging a painting on a nail: ask.

Be ready to undo it when leaving. If you adjust something, that means you have to put it back to the original state when moving out. Holes filled, shelves removed, possibly a touch-up paint job. Budget that in your head before you start.

Your own furniture. Want to bring your own desk? Ask if there is space and where the existing desk could go. A room with two desks usually does not fit. Hospitas usually want to know where their things go when you put yours in.

How do you resolve conflicts without escalation?

Conflicts in hospita houses rarely arise over big things. It is more often about a small crumb left on the counter, a guest who stayed too long, a shower that took too long. And those small things, if they pile up, can create an atmosphere neither of you can get out of.

Talk right away. Not tomorrow, not "when it suits". Right away. Especially if it is something that bothers you: the longer you save it up, the more innocent moments you start collecting as evidence. And then your hospita feels attacked over something that could have stayed small.

No notes on the fridge. Really not. A note saying "could you dry the drying rack after washing up?" feels practical and non-confrontational to you. To the other person it feels like passive-aggressive behaviour from someone who apparently did not have the courage to say it in person. It never works.

Start with a question, not a complaint. "I notice that I have to fight for the shower in the morning, would you be okay if I went at half past seven?" works better than "I can never shower because you are always there". A question invites someone in, a complaint pins them down.

Acknowledge your own part. If the hospita points out something you also did not do quite right, accept it. "True, I sometimes leave the pan out until after my pasta. I will pay better attention." Do not immediately counter-attack with "yes but you also left,". That escalates.

When is it time to leave? If you talk things out repeatedly and they keep coming back, or if you feel uncomfortable in your own home, that is a signal. The nine-month probationary period exists for a reason.

Frequently asked questions

My hospita always leaves the dishes herself, am I allowed to do the same?

No. It is her home, that sounds unfair but it is not. What she does is her habit. What you do is how you present yourself as a guest in her home. If her habit bothers you, you can bring it up, but doing it yourself never works well. Always clean up after yourself, regardless of what she does.

How often can my partner stay over?

That depends entirely on your hospita. Ask at the beginning: "What do you think about overnight stays, how often per month is okay with you?" Some hospitas say "every week is fine", others say "two times per month max". Important: stay within what you have agreed, and if your relationship becomes steady and he comes more often, announce a conversation to update the agreements.

Can I sublet my room if I am away for two months?

Almost always no, without written permission from your hospita. A hospita room is personal, she chose you, not a random sub-tenant. Do not do it without asking. If you are away for two months, discuss whether you can pay partial rent. Subletting without permission is a direct reason to be terminated during the probationary period.

What if the house rules are unreasonably strict?

At move-in you should have seen the house rules (verbally or in writing). If you accepted them then and now find them too restrictive, that is awkward. Talk it out. "I notice the rule about no visitors after 21:00 is too strict for me, could we be a bit more flexible?" If she is rigid and it really does not work for you, use the probationary period to look elsewhere. No shame, just a match that does not work.

Do I have to join every dinner or drink?

No. You do not have to join every shared moment. But fully isolating in your room and never doing a shared meal, coffee, or drink will be experienced as distant by most hospitas. Join two or three times a month, that is usually enough to keep the relationship warm without it becoming an obligation.

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